Pendulums

Do you ever have one of those days that's just one of those days? I seriously feel like I am on a pendulum sometimes. Riding the high of life, ambition, determination, and drive and then...

*vvvumphhh* Crash back down. And by down I mean the kind where I woke up today and asked myself, "Am I depressed or just bummed out?" ...must be bummed out. There's no way I am depressed! Not after all the Life Improvement courses I have done in the past 8 months. Or the One on One mentoring I paid a Life Coach to give me. I know better because if I am not a victor then I am being a victim. If I am unhappy, then it's because I created it.

Right?

...but where is the line? The line that I draw the difference between accountability and being gentle with myself?

Is depression real for me or is it simply an excuse I make up to justify my uncomfortable emotions, my lack of enthusiasm, my laziness? This, among many other questions, led me to research which led me to taking a Depression Quiz in which I scored "Extremely High" to which I shrugged my shoulders and nonchalantly thought, "thank you for sharing"

Naturally, this bred even more questions and a pendulum inner dialogue

Is this quiz legit?
Does the legitimacy matter? You're focusing on what's "wrong", not solutions! Stop it!
Am I really depressed?
No, you're fine Chelsea. Stop it.
How could this happen?
Damn, I'm hungry...
If I claim to be depressed, does that mean I'm being a victim?

I don't know if it's a chemical imbalance in my brain or imagined into existence or a process of spiritual renewal - the symptoms of depression are real. Sleeping at night is a struggle, getting up in the morning is a chore in itself, I have gained 15 pounds in the past year and with the suicidal thoughts and loss of passion for what used to bring me joy, I would occasionally feel like a defect, like something was wrong with my 'wiring' and on November 30, 1991 God kinda went, "whoops!"  here you go, Planet Earth. Have fun with this one

But if I have learned anything here, it is that God made each one of us perfectly

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." - Genesis 1:27

And for me to think I am defect is to say God is defect. But I know God is perfect, so as he is, I am.

There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with you, her, or him. We are perfect in the spiritual sense. Not this worldly perception of perfection where 'perfect' is defined as arrogance, self righteousness, or having it all together.

Perfection is God
God is gentle, compassionate, kind, pure, patient, abundant, giving, love

so

Perfection is being gentle, compassionate, kind, pure, patient, abundant, giving, and love

I know now to be gentle with the emotions flowing through me and compassionate to my husband and kids who get to experience me in this place I'm in. It's being kind to the people I pass in public even though it seems easier to duck my head and stuff my hands in my coat pockets. It's being pure in my daily life choices to live in integrity knowing how easy it would be to cheat, lie, steal and blame it on my Emotions. It's being patient, trusting and knowing that this too shall pass and Great Good is on its' way right now! It's being abundant by living in gratitude for all that is, and being a giver by living outward focused moment to moment.

Yes, it's 'easier' to tuck away from society, blame my lack of success on symptoms of depression, and to hold on to Hope and Endure to End. It's easy because it is what's comfortable right now.

And it's perfect

If I want to feel and be different, I get to venture outside of my comfort zone and Think differently. Stephen Covey calls this the See Do Get model. 

Our perceptions direct the behaviors we engage in. Our behaviors/choices we make produce what we get. Then we take what we've gotten and feed it through our paradigms to continue the cycle. 

When I see myself as depressed, then I behave depressed, and I get the results of depression (lack of sleep, low energy, decreased sex drive, strained relationships, unmotivated, disconnected) But what if I changed my paradigm? What if I shift the ways I see me?

What if I saw myself how God sees me? In a perfect, gentle light. Then behave in those attributes of Spiritual Perfection... and I'd get all that back ten fold!

Experiencing peace on the path to success requires a balance of self compassion and being committed to doing the work in spite of thoughts, feelings, moods, and emotions

So, look in the mirror and love that amazing, powerful, nerdy person staring back at you! Recommit in those places in life where you've fallen off, pick yourself up, learn, and move forward!

Take it on!